Rhetorical Analysis
Six Samples of Laura's Tutoring with
Rhetorical Analyses Appended.
Two Atypical Examples (Normalizing the OWL Users)
One of the things we emphasize to the tutors and the students is that
the DSU OWL is not an editing service. Exactly what do we mean by that?
One thing it can mean is that if a student sends a text and writes
"I would like you to edit it for me," the student may get a fairly
terse rejection as in the example below:
(The tutor's comments have been bolded for easier reading.)
From "Andrew XXXX"
X-cs:
From:Self
To:"Andrew XXXX"
Subject:Re: room description
Date:Mon, 6 Feb 1995 10:11:15
Andrew,
The OWL cannot edit your paper for you. Do you have specific questions
about your paper? Other people have asked about their topic sentence,
their similes or grammatical structures.
Laura Wilde
This is an assignment for writing developement on describing my room,
I would like you to edit it for me.
My room is a clean, comfortable, friendly room. My room is in the
basement of my house on the east side of Sioux Falls. When I walk
into my basement it is on the opposite side of the stairway across
from the living room. My room rarely has close on the floor or dust
on the shelves, because my mom cleans it daily. I smell a sent of
pledge in the air, evidence that my mom has cleaned.
When I walk into my room the first thing I see is my dresser. My
dresser is straight across the room on the east wall. My dresser is
Obviously, Laura could have informed the student that "close" and "sent"
are the wrong homonyms, but instead, she gave Andrew a hint about how he
might get a better response the next time: ask a specific question or
questions about the text. If nothing else, such "normalizing" of the OWL
users might teach students to realize that the areas where they need the
most help have names like "punctuation" and "grammar," which may,
in turn, help them focus on those areas in their future efforts.
In addition to being told not to try to use the OWL as an editing
service, students are told they must send their messages as plain ASCII
text mail messages and not as attachments. Below we have an example of
Laura going beyond the call of
duty and answering a user's query which came as an attachment, without
actually going through
the full hassle that an attachment can cause an online tutor.
Apparently what she did
was print out the attached file and then write a paragraph of commentary
while referring to the printed original.
Susan,
Your paper was very good. A point for future papers, OWL cannot
accept attached files. A message about this should have reached you
on Feb. 6 at 10:36.
There were only a few grammatical errors in your paper. First, busy
is a good adjective but you should not repeat it. The one in the
beginning and the two in the conclusion will be sufficient.
In your second sentence, it would be less wordy and flow better if
you take out "when walking into" and replace it with "of". You do not
need the comma in sentence four. In the fifth sentence, wall needs to
be plural because you are talking about east and south walls. You
need to define valances in the sixth sentence because many people in
your audience will not know what they are. Your ninth sentence is a
run-on. To fix it you can put a semi-colan after room or make two
setences. In your eleventh sentence, you have a comma error in your
progression; the comma needs to precede the and. Your fourteenth
sentence is a run-on. Also, the directions are not capatilized in the
One thing which becomes apparent is that Laura's spelling is not perfect.
(Although our user-friendly email interface does have a spell check
feature, it is weak and somewhat cumbersome to use.)
Consequently, Laura has "semi-colan" and "capatilized."
Such problems, though not major, could potentially hurt Laura's ethos
if Susan realizes that the person helping her is not a great speller.
This raises an issue of the tutor's credibility. Our guess is that the
credibility of online tutors is maximized by their invisibility.
For example, non-traditional aged students will not experience the doubt
they might feel when approaching a student "mentor" many years their
junior. The tutor's credibility will probably remain high until
he or she provides textual evidence of fallibility. In many cases,
especially when the client is a "Basic" writer,
the student user will not know grammar or punctuation well enough to
doubt the tutor, but spelling errors may afford a quick route to
undermining credibility.
Typical Examples
Early Basic Writing
What follows is a typical early effort by Laura upon a
particularly problem-riddled paper. The assignment, given during the
third week of the semester, asked the students to write a description
of their rooms, employing all of their senses and incorporating a simile.
Following the sample, we discuss the following salient features of Laura's
response to Allen's paper: the
introductory paragraph, the use of asterisks and all capitals for corrections,
the absence of quotation marks to designate references to words (as
opposed to references to the things the words signify), the volume of
commentary, and the multiple misidentifications of run-ons.
From: Self
To:"Allen XXXX"
Subject: Re:YOUR PAPER
Date:Fri, 10 Feb 1995 10:13:39
Allen,
Your paper sounds interesting. Sandy Ellis [the client's Basic Composition
instructor] has told me that you are not allowed to use the word you in
your paper. I wrote by other grammatical problems. You need to put a
simile in your paper. A simile is comparing two unlike objects with like
or as. Here is an example: Her smile was as bright as spring sunshine.
I hope that I helped.
Laura Wilde
Allen XXXX
Writing Development- 9:00
Description Paper
Our Den
My den, which is located off the living room in our house in Humboldt,
is a cozy and fasinating**spelling** room to be in. When you are
entering my den,NEED A COMMA BECAUSE THIS IS A CLAUSE you enter it
from our living room. You need to go down two stairs to get to the
surface**SURFACE IS AN UNNEEDED WORD.
SURFACE USUALLY MODIFIES WATER OR MOUNTAIN NOUNS** of the room. The
steps and the floor are covered with a soft brown carpet that almost
tickles your toes while you walk on it. Once you are in the room,NEED A
COMMA BECAUSE OF CLAUSE as you look to the north wall thier**YOU
NEED A DIFFERENT THEIR. THIS THEIR IS
POSSESIVE. THERE IS MORE LOCATION** you will find a brown gun cabinet
that is filled with Twelve**DOES NOT NEED TO BE CAPITALIZED** of are
rifles that my dad and I use for hunting. Hanging on that same wall**NEED
A COMMA BECAUSE THIS IS A RUN-ON** we have four of are**DO NOT
NEED OF
OUR BECAUSE IN THE NEXT PART OF THE SENTENCE YOU SAY WE HAVE KILLED**
deer that we have killed which make this room not only kind of scary but
also very different. The four deer are hanging on brown paneling which
it**DO NOT NEED IT
BECAUSE THE WHICH IS RIGHT AFTER PANELING** has all sorts of**ALL
SORTS OF IS BAD GRAMMAR. MANY WOULD WORK VERY WELL** wild life
printed on it. Below all of the deer heads**ON THE FLOOR
NEEDS TO BE BEFORE BLEOW ALL OF THE DEER BECAUSE IT IS MODIFYING THE
WRONG WORD. IF YOU LEAVE IT, IT SOUNDS LIKE THE DEER ARE ON THE
FLOOR. YOU ALSO NEED A COMMA AFTER HEADS BECAUSE IT IS A RUN-ON** on
the floor is a green couch I will admit it is a old couch but it's the
most soft and comfortable couch I have ever sat or lain in.**THIS
SENTENCE IS TOO WORDY. YOU CAN FIX IT BY SAYING . . .A GREEN, OLD, SOFT AND
COMFORTABLE COUCH. THEN DROP ALL OF THE REST.** The couch is called a
hide-a-bed. I once fell asleep in this couch like**LIKE IS AN
EXTRA WORD THAT IS OK FOR SPEAKING BUT NOT FOR WRITING IN THIS
CONTEXT** in two minutes.**WHY DID YOU FALL ASLEEP SO FAST? BECAUSE
THE COUCH WAS COMFORTABLE? YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR AUDIENCE** As you look
toward the east wall you will find the same colored paneling as**ON IS A
BETTER WORD THAN AS** the north wall. At the
top of the wall in sequence hang three pheasants. One roster**ROOSTER HAS
TWO O'S** then a heand**IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE HEN?** a roster
again.**THE WHOLE SENTENCE IS A FRAGMENT. YOU NEED TO ADD A VERB.**
All
of these creatures have their own beauty. Below them is a white rod that
runs from the north to the south**NORTH AND SOUTH WALL?**. It is
called a
curtain rod. It holds a yellow curtain which covers are**ARE IS A VERB.
YOU NEED THE POSSESSIVE VERB OUR** sliding glass doors that lead to the
outside. It also holds a peice**THIS IS SPELLED PIECE** of stain
glass that my Grandma gave my mom which makes this room special because
my Grandma past away last year.**THIS IS A RUN-ON SENTENCE. YOU CAN
CHANGE IT BY MAKING IT TWO SENTENCES. PASSED INSTEAD OF PAST. PAST MEANS
SOMETHING A LONG
TIME AGO** Sitting on the ground is a entertainment center which is
made out of dark brown wood and it has a sliding door in the top left
hand corner.**THIS IS A RUN-ON** It holds a colored television and a
stereo. The stereo is unique because it has an eight-tracK player in it
which they don't even make today. Now that I have explained all of the
room to the best of my ability to you I will tell you about one more
thing.**YOU DO NOT NEED THE PRECEDING SENTENCE** That is the
ceiling.**YOU DO NOT NEED THIS SENTENCE IF YOU DO NOT HAVE
THE OTHER SENTENCE** The ceiling is made out of white plaster which
also has some sparkles that are mixed in with it which makes the room
very beautiful when the sun is reflecting off of them in the
summer.**THE PRECEDING SENTENCE IS A RUN-ON** In the middle of the
ceiling hangs a ceiling fan. The fan is made of a brown wood which has a
gold border around of the tips. The fan has
> three different stages. High, medium, and low.**THE PRECEDING
SENTENCE IS A FRAGMENT. IS CAN BE EASILY FIXED BY REPLACING THE
PERIOD AFTER STAGES WITH A COLAN AND THEN MAKING A LOWER-CASE H ON
HIGH. Walking out of the room in the northwest corner you also will
see a white cobbed-
web**SPELLING ERROR** with a little black spider crawling around
inside.
The introductory paragraph of this example, like all of Laura's, begins with
something positive about the writer's efforts. In this case, "your paper
sounds interesting," is definitely faint praise by Laura's standards. Next
Laura mentions that the instructor has "told me that you are not allowed
to use the word you in your paper."
Laura's knowledge of the instructor's proscription of "you" and her
awareness that Allen needs to put a simile in his paper stem from
two factors: we encourage instructors to send the OWL a copy of their
assignment, and the two instructors who do the majority of the Basic
Composition instruction had some very specific requests which they
communicated to the OWL tutors through the OWL directors.
The irony in the fact that Laura addresses the writer as "you" while
reiterating the instructor's taboo upon the use of "you" is undoubtedly
lost upon the student, and probably the tutor as well. However, it
illustrates one of the central tensions in student-tutor-instructor
relationship. Whether or not the initial "rule" was as absolute as it
sounds when reiterated by Laura, something which may have begun as as a
well intentioned (and possibly well explained) recommendation about
avoiding the "universal you" in academic writing gets turned into a rule
which bans the use of "you" in the entire paper.
Laura has a tendency to write both her commentary and her corrections as
full, or nearly full sentences.
(Glenda, the other high volume tutor we interviewed, said she writes in
complete sentences all the time and thinks this is the way writing tutors
should make comments.) Certainly the technology facilitates this sort
of behavior since what used to be marginalia can now be inserted
anywhere simply by making space for whatever one wants to write.
There is, however, a limit to how far Laura will go in terms of conforming
to standard written academic English conventions when commenting on texts.
For example, she does not use quotation marks to identify when she is
referring to a word.
The first correction is of the misspelled "fasinating," which she marks with
a lower case "spelling" surrounded by double asterisks. In an interview
Laura mentioned that she quickly realized that putting her comments in
parentheses was insufficient because writers could mistake the tutor's
parentheses for their own.
Her next correction involved the insertion of a comma after "den,"
followed by the words "NEED A COMMA BECAUSE THIS IS A CLAUSE," which
Laura wrote in all capitals. In the interview Laura spoke about trying
to give the basic writers grammar instruction without using grammar
vocabulary. She also spoke of bringing it "down" to their level.
Her explanation, "because this is a clause," is intended to provide the
writer with some understanding of why a comma is desirable after "den."
Arguably, "because this is a clause," is neither wholly accurate nor
terribly helpful. On the other hand "because this is a significant
introductory adverbial element," is not likely to be any more helpful
than Laura's explanation. In the interview Laura expressed an awareness
of the problem of communicating to basic writers who do not know the meaning
of the standard terms for grammatical instruction. She also confessed that
she does not feel very confident in using those terms herself. As an
elementary education major, she is not required to take the course in
grammar which English Education majors must take.
Her next correction involves the insertion of two sentences to justify
the elimination of the word "surface" from the phrase "to get to the
surface of the room." She inserted, in all capitals, between double
asterisks: "SURFACE IS AN UNNEEDED WORD. SURFACE USUALLY MODIFIES WATER OR
MOUNTAIN NOUNS." Here we see a case of Laura correctly identifying a
problematic word choice, but her justification for the elimination of
"surface," while novel, does not conform to the traditional categories of
English grammar.
In response to the non-word "thier," Laura wrote **YOU NEED A DIFFERENT
THEIR. THIS THEIR IS POSSESIVE. THERE IS MORE LOCATION**. Even without
the added difficulty of all capital letters, "there is more location" is
not easy to decode. If Laura used quotation marks to designate words, as
opposed to their referents, the sentence would be easier to decode for any
reader familiar with that convention. Again, many Basic Composition
students are probably unfamiliar with the use of quotation marks to indicate
a shift in the level of signification, so the extra effort of putting words
in quotation marks could be wasted upon that audience. On the other hand,
by being consistent with standard academic practice, it could help
educate the basic writers about that special use of quotation marks.
One of the things Laura suggested during the interview was a uniform
marking process to eliminate the possibility of diverse practices confusing
the tutees.
In response to the very interesting sentence, "Hanging on that same wall we
have four of are deer that we have killed which make this room not only
kind of scary but also very different," Laura make two comments,
the first of which asserts after wall:**NEED A COMMA BECAUSE THIS IS A
RUN-ON**. After "are" which should have been "our," Laura wrote
**DO NOT NEED OF OUR BECAUSE IN THE NEXT PART OF THE SENTENCE YOU SAY
WE HAVE KILLED**. Again, quotation marks could make her meaning clearer to
certain readers, but there is a directness in her message which is not
likely to be lost on the Basic writer.
In response to the phrase "all sorts of wild life printed on it,"
Laura inserted **ALL SORTS OF IS BAD GRAMMAR. MANY WOULD WORK VERY WELL**.
Clearly the phrase "all sorts of" is neither bad grammar nor is Laura's
recommended "many" an appropriate substitute for the original. She
probably objected to either the colloquial sound or the vagueness of
"all sorts of," but if the paneling did indeed display a considerable
variety of types, then "all sorts of wildlife" is clearly preferable to
"many."
Finally, we'd like to point out one more good bit of instruction before
moving on to another example.
When Allen wrote, "Below all of the deer heads on the floor is a green
couch. . . ," Laura inserted the following: **ON THE FLOOR NEEDS TO BE
BEFORE BLEOW ALL OF THE DEER BECAUSE IT IS MODIFYING THE WRONG WORD.
IF YOU LEAVE IT, IT SOUNDS LIKE THE DEER ARE ON THE FLOOR.
Despite the spelling error ("bleow"), the suggestion and its justification
display a simplicity which is almost elegant in the way it suggests a
change, names the problem (this time consistent with conventional
grammatical usage, though weakened somewhat by the vague referent "it")
and then gives a reason for change by clearly stating the misunderstanding
which is likely to result from the original word order. Laura went on to
say: YOU ALSO NEED A COMMA AFTER HEADS BECAUSE IT IS A RUN-ON** Again
she mis-identifies an error (failure to separate a significant introductory
adverbial phrase from the main clause) as a "run-on," and this time
misses a real run-on, in that the sentence continues as:" . . .a green couch
I will admit it is a old couch it's the most soft and comfortable couch I
have ever sat or lain in." She also neglected to address "a old" and
"most soft."
Given that in addition to her 60 word introductory paragraph, Laura does
make 28 insertions into the text, the fact that she does not "catch"
every problem in this error-riddled 500 word theme is quite understandable.
The issues she addressed were categorized and counted as follows:
Spelling 6
Punctuation 3
Word Choice 4
Mechanics (e.g. capitalization) 4
Syntax 7
Stylistics (e.g. wordiness) 2
Rhetoric (e.g. reader's need for more or less information) 2
If one were to divide these issues between surface and substance,
they might be classified as 26 surface issues and two substantive ones.
Late Basic Writing
This next example is similar to the first in that it is the same
assignment, but it is written by an author with many fewer problems.
It was also done a year later, so the tutoring reflects the effect of
about 150 responses by Laura which intervened between the two samples.
X-cs:
From: Self
To: "Ryan XXXX"
Subject: Re: DESCRIPTION PAPER
Date: Mon, 5 Feb 1996 13:09:01
Ryan,
You have an interesting paper. I would just like to make a few
comments about it. You seem to have problems with run-ons. Once you
have written a paper, reread the paper. When you get to a sentence
with a comma in it, read the part of the sentence before the comma
and then the part of the sentnece after the comma. If each
sentence makes sense on its own, it is probably a run-on. I explained
how to correct some of the run-ons and then I just marked the rest. I
made other comments throughout the body of your paper.
Again Laura begins with her faintest praise, "You have an interesting
paper." After that she provides an assessment of Ryan's problem and a
clearly expressed method by which he might identify and solve this problem
when it occurs in his writing. Unlike the early efforts where Laura was
identifying legitimate compound sentences with comma and coordinating
conjunctions as "run-ons," all of the sentences which Laura identifies here
as run-ons are indeed problematic. Most teachers would probably call
them comma splices, reserving the term "run-on" or "fused sentence" for
ones without a comma joining two independent clauses rather than the one in which a comma is used but is inadequate to the task of joining the two.
Ryan's paper asks more specific questions than Allen's did, and in return,
Ryan gets some suggestions for improving certain specific areas.
Please read these questions and apply them to my paper.
1) Does the topic sentence tell the kind of room, the location and
an opinion of the room?YOUR TOPIC SENTENCE IS CONFUSING BECAUSE OF
THE USE OF THE WORD HOME TWICE. ANOTHER DESCRIPTOR BESIDES HOME WOULD
HELP. WHAT MAKES IT FEEL LIKE HOME? THE COMFORTABLENESS OR ETC.?
2)Are there any fragments, comma splices or run- on
sentences?I MARKED THOSE IN THE BODY OF YOUR PAPER.
3) Are there reference to sight, sound, smell, and touch? YOU
REFERECES TO SIGHT AND TOUCH ARE PRETTY GOOD BUT YOU NEED MORE
DESCRIPTORS USING SOUND AND SMELL. SOUND: DO YOU HAVE A CLOCK TICKING
OR A COMPUTER BEEPING? SMELL: DO THE SHEETS SMELL OF LAUNDRY
DETERGENT?
4) Are transitions used correctly?
Are there enough transitions?
5) Is the description logical?
IT WAS LOGICAL EXCEPT WHEN YOU BEGAN TALKING ABOUT THE WALLS. THERE
MAY BE ANOTHER WAY TO WRITE THAT PART OF THE PAPER. IT WAS SOMEWHAT
CONFUSING.
Ryan XXXX 9:00 Basic Comp.
Description Paper
2/7/96
Home Sweet Home
When I enter my bedroom at home, it feels like home. This room
makes me feel comfortable because *Explain fit in.* I fit in. *The
following sentence is a run-on. You can make it into two sentence
by putting a period after me and capitalizing It.*My room seems to be
the perfect size for me, it isn't real big, but it isn't exactly small
either. My room seems to have something about it that makes me feel
good and that's *Instead of and that's, which would sound better.*why
I like it. *The following sentence is a run-on. You can make it two
sentences by putting a period where the comma is.*I have a queen sized
waterbed that
takes up a lot of space, it has a black and multi-colored comforter
on it. *This is a run-on also.*My desk and dresser are built into the
wall, they
have a white and tan counter top to them. *Run-on*Just above my desk
are my
shelves, I have a lot of little things on these wood shelves. There
are some books, a few pictures and a lot of memoribilia. *Run-
on*Along
the other wall is a window, its a small one, but big enough to crawl
through when I was younger and wanted to sneak out. *Run-on*This wall
also
has a picture on it, and the head of my bed rests against this wall.
*Run-on*The next wall is kind of bare, it has a few pictures on it,
and sports banners hanging down for the top of the wall, but that is
about it. *Run-On*The other wall has my closet, it isn't very big
either,
but it gets the job done. Next to my closet is a doorway that leads
to my very own bathroom. In my bathroom is a sink, a toilet and
another dresser. The floor in here is a white tile that is very cold
in the morning. *Run-On*There is another doorway in my bathroom, this
door leads into the shower room. *Run-On.*I share the shower room
with my two
sisters, they have a bathroom that also leads into the shower room.
Lets go back to my bedroom. *Run-On*I have a ceiling fan and light
hanging
from the ceiling, and I also have a lamp that sits on the head of my
bed. There is soft, white carpet on the floor that feels good when I
get out of bed in the morning. I really like my bedroom because it's
mine. My bedroom is a place I can call my own and it's a place that
describes the kind of person I am!
By our tally, in the body of his paper, Ryan received one comment on word
choice, one of a rhetorical nature (Laura's request for an explanation of
"fit in") and eleven regarding punctuation.
Late Example from Composition
The next two examples are also later efforts, but these come from a
Composition student, not a Basic writer. There are far fewer errors to
correct and the author requests a different type of assistance.
She specifically asks for help discovering weaknesses in her argument.
In response, Laura wrote the following:
X-cs:
From: Self
To: BeckyXXXX
Subject: Re: Help Request
Date: Wed, 7 Feb 1996 13:24:57
Becky,
You have a wonderful paper. I made a few grammtical changes in the
body of your paper. Your argument is a little unclear. After reading
it, I was unsure about your stance. You may want to have a few
forceful sentences of your own and then use your wonderful citations
as support. You reasoning makes sense but it is implied. You need to
tell the reader what your reasoning is and then use the FDA example.
If you have any questions, please just e-mail me back. I hope that I
helped.
Dear OWL Staff:
I'd appreciate your reviewing my essay for Eng101, Composition (Internet
Version). I feel my grammar and punctuation are fairly good. I'd like your
comments on whether my argument has weaknesses I should work on and if my
reasoning makes sense. Thank you in advance. I must turn this final essay
in by 5:00 Fri. 2/9, so would appreciate your comments back by 3:30 Thurs.
2/8.
Thanks again.
Becky XXXX
FOR THE LOVE OF MUSIC AND OUR CHILDREN
With my television remote in hand, I flipped through the channels stopping
with half-hearted interest on the "American Music Awards." The upcoming
entertainment was a group performing one of today's most popular
rock-and-roll songs. In fact, it was nominated as one of the top three
*WHAT? SONG OR GROUP?* up for award. As I watched and listened, my
increased*INCREASED IS EXTRA IN THIS SENSE.* attention was drawn to
the
fact that words of the song were obviously missing as the performer sang.
Repeatedly, there were short silent spots between words. No, the performer
did not have a stutter; but certain words of his lyrics were being
restricted.
Obviously, I missed the beginning of the program, but I highly doubt that
there would have been a parental advisory warning at the start of the show.
Rather the network chose to edit out the offensive words from the lyrics.
As Tipper Gore succumbed to the fact that industry cannot be expected to
solve the hazards that today's music may cause our children, she emphasized
that we as parents should show our appreciation and recognize their efforts
(50). Here would be a perfect opportunity to show an active parental role in
support of a network's approach to addressing the issue of offensive
language in music.
We as parents should not sit on the fringe and allow the young,
impressionable minds of our children to be marred by unintentional exposure
to sexually explicit or vulgar music. Many children can be drawn in by the
oftentimes charismatic personality of these performers. Their alluring
performances coupled with obtrusive lyrics can create a dangerous lure for
juveniles. If we need a purpose to get involved, then let that purpose be
our children.
Some of you may say the editing out of a performer's song lyrics is wrong
and that it is censorship. You may feel that the parental advisory labels
on music today are a violation of our basic rights of expression protected
by the First Amendment to the Constitution. That notion isn't correct. For
example, the effort being made to enforce the labelling of sexually
explicit or violent music will not forbid its purchase. Rather, it will
give parents and children a means by which they can judge the value of the
music they may be purchasing. Until a child is of legal age, a parent has
the right to prohibit his/her child from being exposed to potentially
harming material, whether it be drugs, toxic fumes, fire arms, or music. An
excellent analogy made by Donald Thomson was the comparison of parent
advisory labels on music to the Food and Drug Administration's labels placed
on food products (Homework #7). As consumers today, we demand to know what
we are purchasing for our own welfare. The reasoning for the consumer
information displayed on a can of tomato sauce is very similar to the
reasoning behind parent advisory labels. We want to be an educated public.
We want to base decisions that affect our lives, and those of our children,
on accurate information.
Our educated and active involvement can make a different*DIFFERENCE*.
We as
parents may not be the primary players in advocating the need for educating
consumers, but we can certainly be productive secondary supporters. Tipper
Gore gives sound*WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "GIVES SOUND"?* when she says
"Some
parents may want to write to the record companies. Others can give their
support to groups like the Parent Teacher Association, which have endorsed
the labeling idea. All of us can use our purchasing power. We have more
power than we think, and we must use it. For the sake of our children. . ."
(52).
Today's world is not so big that our seemingly small efforts cannot be
heard. Communications and technology available to us make spreading our
concerns and our appreciations possible. We need to be committed to
building a better tomorrow for your*USE OUR INSTEAD OF YOUR*
children. One way of ensuring that is by getting involved today.
Works Cited
Thomson, Donald. "Labeling Music." English 101, Composition (Internet
Version), 1996, Homework #7.
Gore, Tipper. "Curbing the Sexploitation Industry." _Reading and Writing
Short Arguments_ by William Vesterman. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield
Publishing Company, 1994. 50-52.
In this example, there were few errors to correct. Laura once asked for
more details, once pointed out an unnecessary word, once pointed
out a typo, once pointed out a missing word, and once suggested
replacing "your" with the more appropriate "our." The introductory
paragraph responds to the question about weaknesses in the argument and
whether the reasoning makes sense by saying the argument is a little
unclear and that Laura was unsure about the writer's stance. We agree that
the author's stance is somewhat vague, and the suggestions to make the
reasoning more explicit is good, but a better recommendation might have
been to explicitly assert the clearest version of her thesis that she
could as early as possible.
Second Composition Example
The example which follows was also made at the end of Laura's fifth semester
as an OWL tutor. The author is a student in an Internet version of Composition
and the original text is relatively free of errors.
X-cs:
From: Self
To: Becky XXXX
Subject: Re: Critique Please
Date: Wed, 27 Mar 1996 12:51:22
Becky,
You have a wonderful paper. I made a few comments in the body of your
paper. As far as pulling it together, I think the best thing to do
would be to do a brief overview of your main points and then a strong
sentence of what you believe and why you believe it.
I think it would be interesting to add any research you found on
school districts who have implimented multi-cultural literature into
the curriculum.
I hope that I helped.
Laura's introductory paragraph again begins with praise and
offers some fairly general advice. In the interview Laura said she enjoyed
working with the argumentative papers in composition because she was able
to think up counter arguments instead of simply addressing the correction
of errors. In her comments in the text, Laura once asks for more details,
but does not provide any significant counter argument.
Despite the opportunity to engage in what the author asks for,
i.e. assessment of the "strength of the argument, emotion,
logic, and organization/arrangement," Laura sticks mostly to editing
surface features.
By our count, her comments tally up as follows:
Mechanics 2
Punctuation 5
Syntax 1
Stylistics 1
Rhetoric 1
This time the ratio of surface to substance seems to run about 9 to 1 in
the textual commentary. The introductory paragraph primarily
addresses substantive issues but in a fairly superficial manner.
Dear Owl Tutor:
Would you please critique my draft essay for English 101 via the
Internet. It is suppose to be a 4-page essay in final format. At this
point, I'm about 1 page short yet. I would like you to review my essay
so far for strength of agrument, emotion, logic, and
organization/arrangement. I want to do a summary which draws the
audience back to the intro and makes them feel like I've brought the
agrument to a completion (and add more information in the central portion
as you see needed). If you notice any grammatical or punctuation
correction, please mention that too.
Thanks alot.
My internet address is XXXX
Becky XXXX
-------------------------------------
Life Without Literature
Not every student will be a scholar, a doctor, or the president of the
United States. Nor will every student have a love for math, the arts, or
reading. To the disappoint*ment* of some and the satisfication of
others,
we must admit that what our children do with their lives is truly their own
decision. There are many things that can affect the choices they make
though, *this would be more effective if you replaced the comma and with
just a semi-colon* and opportunity is one of them.
*What type of
opportunities? Who gives the opportuntities? A brief overview here would
be helpful to the reader.* As we start our young people out on their
journey through life, giving them opportunity can make a difference. A
love for literature can make a difference. Literature will help remove
the blind spots along the way. We all have blind spots--be it a blind
spot to prejudice, a blind spot to expectations, or simply the inability
to see what the world might have to offer. We don't want our children to
have blind spots in their vision. Those blind spots can put up road blocks
to opportunity.
In "Why Literature Matters" Tim Gillespie recognizes the
important*ance* of literature in curriculum for its cultivation of
imagination and empathy. He states that President Clinton used the line,
"Children can't be expected to live a life they can't imagine." Gillespie
says, "We rightly worry about that many youngsters' lives are
circumscribed by poverty, discrimination, low expectations, cultural
insularity, and other conditions that may render them unable to see beyond
the limits of their immediate horizons" (61). We can bring our children
out of themselves through literature. The need is, now more than ever,
for a diverse choice of reading and a multiculturalistic curriculum in our
contemporary English classrooms. As Paula Rothenberg points out, "The
traditional curriculum teaches all of us to see the world through the eyes
of privileged, white, European males and to adopt their interests and
perspectives as our own" (96). Our children need a wider vision, without
blind spots, in order to fully appreciate what life has to offer. Haven't
we always hoped for our children,*don't need this comma* and their
children, a better world than we have? This is the argument I offer for
the reform (updating) of traditional literature in our school curriculums.
There is a trend that is accelerating and being shaped by a philosophy
called multiculturalism. In recent decades, many changes have been
occurring in the content of reading and literature programs. Schools and
teachers are updating and broadening their curriculums and literature
programs. All students should be able to see the multiethnic and
multiracial nature of this country *don't put in parenthses*(and the
world) in the literature they are asked to read.
Isn't literature a
wonderful opportunity? It offers our children a belief, a hope, a
possibilty to change oneself or improve the world around them. This
opportunity implies economic benefits as well. Tim Gillespie relates
literature to life when he states, ". . .its capacity to stimulate the
imagination, to offer different perspectives and wider worlds that the
young reader can wander at leisure and experience in safety, without
pressure or judgment. We read ourselves imaginatively into other lives
and expand the pages of our own" (62).
*This is a run-on starting with
and.* Good news and bad news may be coming with this new trend, and
concerns are being raised as these changes in specific selections and
cultural content are surfacing. There may be complicated issues in a
multicultural based curriculum. But, we must encourage our schools and
professionals to give critical attention to this growing trend. We must
offer our young people the opportunity to appreciate and absorb the
experiences of the classic literature anthologies as well as make room for
literary works that acknowledge the existence of all multicultural groups.
A multicultural curriculum will foster the development of mutual respect
in students. As Sandra Stotsky, as research associate in the Department
of Language and Literacy, Graduate School of Education at Harvard
University explains, "Literature teachers and literature programs need to
live up to the original promise of multiculturalism: to teach our students
to understand and appreciate one another's ethnic heritage as well as
their common heritage as Americans" (612). By changing literature to cover
so many different groups and countries, are we lessening the students'
sense of their own identity? There are probably some of you who will feel
this way.*I'm not sure of the appropriateness of you in this paper. I
would change it to people because not all reader's like to be affronted
with the you.* But, rather I advocate that this change in literature
collections will teach students to respect one another's cultural
backgrounds, including their own as Americans. Another issue you may be
questioning is whether the effects these diverse works might suggest will
cause reverse cultural stereotyping, or what you might hear referred to as
"white guilt." Sandra Stotsky feels that teachers are being urged to
help students think through the crucial differences between compassion and
guilt. She says, "Otherwise, uncritical study of the literature of white
guilt is likely to prevent the development of that sense of shared
citizenship and mutual empathy that a multethnic nation requires" (611).
The positive interactions portrayed in works like William Blinn's
_Brian's Song_, which focuses on the friendship between two football
players, one black and one white, is only one piece of fine literary work
that can realistically portray American life. So how can we characterizes
quality literature? I think we can judge literature but what it attempts
to combat*instead of dashes use a colong*--boredom, generalization and
stereotyping, cynicism, lack of understanding, blind spots. We can also
judge it for what it attempts to employ*use a colon instead of
dashes*--empathy, discomfort at pat answers, exploration of human
concerns.
We were all students at one time. We all had to make
decisions along the way. Did you have any blind spots? If you had the
opportunity, would you have done anything different? Classical literature
may have offered you a way of learning that met your world's demands.
Today's world requires us to experience and participate in much larger
terms and much earlier on. (I need to pull together my summary here.)
Works Cited
Gillespie, Tim. "Why Literature Matters." _The Education Digest_ Sept.
1995: 61-64.
Rothenberg, Paula. "Critics of Attempts to
Democratize the Curriculum are Waging a Campaign to Misrepresent the Work
of Responsible Professors." _Reading and Writing Short Arguments_ by
William Vesterman. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield Publishing Company, 1994.
94-97.
Stotsky, Sandra. "Changes in America's Secondary School Literature
Programs." _Phi Delta Kappan_ April 1995: 605-613.
